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An Intro to Paving the Earth

By Ben (2000/08/02)

So, why do we want to Pave the Earth? Because right now, the earth is crap. It is littered with trees, oceans, and tons of animals. It is also rich in natural resources and is cursed with a blue sky. But the main reason, is that we want to drive very fast, without having to conform to the turns and traffic patterns that are inherent to the current inferior patches of pavement. How infuriating is it when you get going at a good clip, and the light turns red? On a paved earth (read perfect earth), there would be no need for stopping or turning to avoid creaming some unsightly four-legged creature.

The specifics of everything have been written about in great detail. Here is a list of sites you should visit for more information:

Out of all of those links, the absolutely most important resource is alt.pave.the.earth. Several of the original leaders still post there quite frequently. In fact, I was reading it today (8/2/00) and saw a discussion over why the hypercars had to have 4 wheels as opposed to 2. Here is part of the discussion:

  • healingline: What the heck is wrong with having 2 or 3 wheels instead of 4? Is it merely because they are less dependent on HPS or does it go deeper?
  • Martin (listkeeper [TM]): Put it this way. High speed collisions will be an inevitable daily reality on PaveWorld (TM). If there was a collision between a Hypercar (TM) and a Harley, which driver do you think would barely notice, and which would be ground to a twisted mass of bone and sinew?
  • Cobweb the Listkeeper [TM]: Simply put, it's base heresy - Two-wheelers are completely invalidated by the HolyCompliment[tm].
  • healingline: BTW I would rather die on me Harley immediately rather than trust Pitslaves with the Jaws of Life.
  • Martin (listkeeper [TM]): Well, PaveDay 1(TM) is going to be a red-letter day for you, then.
  • This kind of quality wisdom and insight is handed out to future pitslaves every day on apte.

    The only problem with all of this, is that I neither drink beer or eat cheeseburgers (I just like plain burgers with ketchup). So, undoubtedly I will be labeled a heretic against the Holy Order of the Pavement, and be sentenced to forced servitude for the remainder of my days in the parking garage as a pitslave, never to drive a hypercar at Mach 1 under a chromed moon.

    Yet, even in the face of this inevitable fate, I have set up Pave the Earth Radio, to further the Plan [tm]. Maybe, if I'm lucky, the Holy Order of the Pavement [tm] will see what I have done here, and at least let me be a Pit Boss [tm]. That is my dream. That is why we want to Pave the Earth.

    Plus, the plan is to start with Colorado.