How Can I Help You?
By Ben (2000/07/21)I don't know if everyone's pizza joints do this or not, but it drives me absolutely nuts. I pick up the phone and place a call to either Dominoes, or Papa John's--I don't order Pizza Hut anymore because they've changed their delivery boxes, and the new ones adversely affect the taste of the pizza, but they didn't do this anyway. Then the person on the other end answers and says "Hello, and thanks for calling (pizza place of choice). HOW CAN I HELP YOU?"
How can I help you? How can I help you? I WANT A PIZZA, YOU IDIOT! What the hell other reasons could I possibly have to call you? Stuff like this just grates on every fiber of my being. We at the pAved earth are constantly struggling against absurdities such as this in our daily lives.
One day, we will rid the world of these minor annoyances. If left unchecked, these "annoyances" will soon drive every man, woman, and child on the face of the earth stark raving mad. We will be reduced to nothing more than virtual zombies limping around spouting meaningless niceties at everyone we meet. "Hello, how do you do?", we'll all say in tandem. The globe will tremble with the force of those words. We will become some sort of sub-human race of super-boy-scouts. Even the women will become boy scouts. Old ladies will never need to carry their own groceries across the street, because as soon as one approaches a curb, there will be an instantaneous influx of "helpful" people, all grabbing at those so-called groceries, ripping and tearing the two-ply bags into shreds in their insatiable need to help. In the midst of this throbbing mass of human flesh, ironically, there will be other old people, all clamouring for these groceries. Regretably, this will soon eliminate the world of older people. The roads will be safer, yes, but we will be robbed of our history, which no one would listen to anyway, because they would be otherwise occupied with their relentless quest for the ultimate politeness. All that would be left of the poor old woman would be a small puddle of granny, with squished bread loaves, control-top panty hose eggs, other old people caught in the fray, and spilt milk cartons littering the surrounding sidewalk. It would be a horrific scene of politically correct savagery.
And that sidewalk would not become clean until it were to rain. Because no one would have time to clean it, because look, on the very next corner is the old homeless man, trying to push his shopping cart up onto the curb. RUN BUM RUN!!! But, sadly, pitifully even, they're never fast enough. If the elderly were smart, they would arm themselves now, and form an old folks militia, in preparation for the well-intentioned, yet deadly, attacks that will obliterate them. Someone should write the AARP right now! I am putting the call out--OLD FOGIES UNITE!!
Hopefully, Papa John himself will read this, and fire the marketing executive who will be personally responsible for the extinction of the ancient.
On a side note, Unamerican.com has a bumper sticker that is inline with the opinions expresses forthwith. It reads, simply "ARM THE HOMELESS".