The Uglies
By Andy (2001/06/06)Nike's throne has finally been usurped, the once godfather of hideous creations has fallen to the automotive giants Toyota, and Pontiac.
It wasn't an easy feet (sorry, I had to). There was once a time that no one was willing to deliberately design an ugly product, no one except Nike. They set the standard; design a ghastly product, convince you it's koool, then charge hundreds of dollars for their bad taste. For years they laughed all the way to the bank, unrivaled.
Well Nike, you've rested on your laurels, and look where you are now? Sure your basket ball shoes remain ugly but it's just a revamp of your old design. Where's the ugly genius of yore that could provoke a dog to look up from the feces it's smelling and exclaim, "eh-gads!"
Pontiac has outdone themselves, and they should be proud. Although Nike has become lazy with their designs it's still an impressive accomplishment. The runner up to the ugliness achievement award is the Pontiac Aztek. Claimed to be one of the most versatile vehicles on the planet, don't let it fool you. I don't care if this thing packs enough power to take on a Kawasaki Ninja, has plush leather interior with 24K gold paneling, or even a bazooka that pops out of the roof, NOTHING makes up for how ugly this car is. The one time I saw it on my way to work I had to pull over to catch breath and de-clamp my eyelids. It's just not safe to other motorists, these vehicles should be banned from all roads and buried in some uranium mine shaft out in Russia somewhere.
Toyota, not to be beaten, by almost their entire product line, has their entry and reigning king of ugliness, the Echo. Nothing about this car represents the fun of being in a canyon, yelling, and hearing your voice reflect back to you. The only thing reflected back to you are light waves of sheer horror, as you look away and shield your eyes from its hideous shape. Toyota as well, took the aesthetic low-road, and did away with any nefarious notion of elegance. Aztek, on the exterior, able to stand toe to toe with the Echo, was only edged out by the coup de grá of repellent architecture, the cyclops speedometer.
What an unprecedented move Toyota. It's thinking outside the box like this, that fan the flames of innovation in bad design. Even though Pontiac had your every move matched, you managed to figure out a way to be more ugly. You stuck the speedometer in the middle of the freaking dash board, un-be-lievable!